The Knife

 

"Where do you get off being so entitled?", screamed aunt Marion getting up from her chair at the dinning table, "the antique bureau was left to me! Mother told me she wanted me to have it!".

"Oh really?", asked my mother, equally angry, "When was that? When she was in the hospital, on morphine? How very convenient!"

"It might shock you to know this Doris, but mother and I were very close during her final years. She told me she wanted me to have the bureau, when I was taking care of her. You know? Because I actually spent time with her and father. Instead just of throwing money at them."

That last comment was directed at my mom and my uncle David. And both of them knew it.

"Look here, Marion! Both David and I have demanding jobs. Jobs that paid for our parents' care", said my mom.

This was when uncle David jumped in with, "you and your husband could have done the same, Marion if you had fewer children!"

This prompted uncle Brian, aunt Marion's husband, to yell, "you did NOT just insult my kids!"

"Yeah, leave our kids out of this!"

"No one insulted your kids, Marion. Stop being dramatic!", said my mom.

"Oh I'm being dramatic? Was I being dramatic when you spilled wine on my wedding dress?"

"What?", asked my father, "Marion that was a decade ago. And it was your husband's fault!"

"Hey....", uncle Brian was about to protest when mom cut him off.

"Oh save it, Brian! Look, you've taken mom's opal earrings and her silver necklace. Now leave the bureau and the jade bracelet alone. Stop being so greedy!"

"The jade bracelet?", my aunt Lydia who was married to uncle David, spoke up, "the one she bought during fall last year? Well, I think I should have it."

"WHAT?", both my mom and aunt Marion asked in unison.

"Lydia drove mom to and from the jewellery store when bought that bracelet." said uncle David.

"That's right!", aunt Lydia said, nodding vigorously in agreement, "I even helped her pick it out. She said I have good taste."

"Did you and your husband pay for the necklace, Lydia?" my mom asked with barely restrained anger, "no! I did. So by what...."

"But I was with her when she bought it!", aunt Lydia argued, putting extra stress on the word 'with', "doesn't that count for something?"

"No! It doesn't and you know it! You've already taken the expensive china. I paid for that bracelet. It's mine!"

"All right then!", uncle David spoke, getting worked up, "if that's how we're doing it, then Lydia and I should get the three thousand dollar Japanese kitchen knife. Since I gave it to mother!"

"What?", my mom asked, flabbergasted, "are you serious? That knife is so sharp, mother was afraid to use it. I used to cut meat with it every time I cooked for her. Something neither you nor your wife ever did!"

"Hold on a second, Doris! I cooked way more meals for mother and father than you did. I should have the Japanese knife!"

Without waiting for anyone to respond, aunt Marion marched to the kitchen and came back with the fabled kitchen knife in her hand. She looked like she intended to put it in her purse, but was stopped by aunt Lydia.

"Marion, that knife is ours!", she said, trying to gran the handle.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick in this family", yelled my mother, "if anyone is taking that knife, it's gonna be me!"


None of us could recall exactly when and how that ended up in my father's upper thigh, but it did. Perhaps when my mother, aunt and uncle showed the maturity of mid-tantrum kindergarteners and were trying to grab an extremely sharp knife, the said knife got chucked towards my poor father. The blade was lodged about three inches into his flesh.

For about ten seconds, there was absolute silence in the room. Before my older sister had the sense to suggest that dad be taken to the hospital. Three of our cousins had started crying.

Our father didn't suffer any serious damage. Nor were any charges pressed.

In the aftermath of this unfortunate incident, our grandparents' belongings were divided with much more maturity and grace. My mom got the jade bracelet, aunt Marion the bureau and uncle David, the knife. The remaining items too were divided without much controversy.

Later on, during the drive back home, our parents decided to treat us to some ice-cream. As my sister and I ate, and were out of earshot of our parents, she said to me, "when these two kick the bucket, we're going to sell everything and split the money. Deal?"

This sounded like a splendid idea.

"Deal!", I replied as we shook hands.