Something wants me in the dark

Since the day I was born, something has been following me. This thing cannot be seen, nor felt, nor heard. Only it’s effects are visible by me. And me alone.

My parents often joke about how when I was a kid, my presence was a jinx to light bulbs. When they first brought me home and placed me in my crib, the light bulb in that room went out. It had been functioning perfectly fine earlier, but hours after I came in, it went out. What’s really strange is that when they installed the same bulb in a different room, it lit up instantly.

Something similar happened with candles. Once, during a blackout, our family placed candles in various rooms. The candle placed in my room kept getting put out, as if by an invisible rapid hand movement.

Though these occurrences were strange, they weren’t frequent enough to set off any alarm bells for my parents and siblings. At least not for as long as I was a child. When I moved into my college dorm, the entity’s intentions became much more clear. For light sources to abandon me, two conditions were necessary – I would have to be alone and I would have to be happy. When my roommate was with me in the room or when I was in a place where there were other people, the light bulbs etc would function just fine. In my room, if I expressed elation when my roommate was with me, the light sources would be fine. But if I even cracked a smile when I was by myself, the room would be left in utter darkness. And a strange fear would engulf me.

I would usually run out of my room and would stay in the hallway until someone had gone in and changed the light bulb. I learned to curb my enthusiasm whenever I was by myself after dark.

It only got worse when I graduated and moved into my first apartment. I tried to live alone at first but, the fear of darkness and the fear of being taken by whatever was in the darkness if I couldn’t get to the front door in time, was too much to live with. Till this day, as a successful 30 something woman, I cannot live without a roommate.

At first it was only my laughter or smile that attracted the darkness. But as the years went by, I couldn’t even feel happiness, raise my voice, express disgust, anger or any form of excitement or surprise when I was alone. I remember one instance when I received news of my coworker passing away in a car crash. I gasped as I read the text message and as soon as the sound escaped my lips, the lights in the apartment went out. Even the backlight of my phone. I ran out of the apartment and waited for my roommate. When she arrived, the lights came back on again. Because these incidents only happened when I was alone, my strange behavior often unsettled those I lived with. Keeping a roommate became a real challenge.

Today, I even have to regulate my breathing. This is why I avoid social media, YouTube, reading emails and texts when I’m alone. I’m always afraid that I might see something that might excite me or cause me to breathe a bit heavily and the darkness would return. I don’t use elevators alone. I’m terrified of my breath hitching and being left in darkness in the elevator, with nowhere to go.

I can’t keep pets either. Animals seem to sense what has been following me and refuse to come near me. In all likelihood, I’ll never experience the pure and innocent form of love that only an animal can give. My relationships don’t last long. My boyfriends often label my strange behavior as “clingy” or “attention seeking”. If I told them what was really going on, they would add “crazy” to the list.

I try to stay out of my apartment after dark for as long as possible. Luckily, my work lets me pick my own hours and sometimes I can work from home. Of course, I never do work from home, only from the 24 hour library nearby. I sleep during the day and work at night. I’m afraid to sleep at night because a dream or a nightmare may cause me to gasp. And yes, that has happened. And yes I did run out of my apartment screaming as the fear gripped me. My screams woke my neighbor who called the cops, thinking I was being attacked.

During the few hours I do spend in my home after dark, I’m compelled to act, think and feel like a zombie. I have to make a constant effort not to think any thoughts that may bring me joy or make me angry. i listen to sad songs to maintain the sense of melancholy that the entity seems to approve of. I have to move and walk in a slow and unhurried manner. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.

I’m writing this because I have a feeling that my end is near. The darkness will soon take me. You see, the safety net that daylight hitherto provided me is slowly being snatched away. For the last few days, when I step outside, I feel a strange black hue surrounding me. It feels like the penumbra of a shadow is all around me. Even the sun seems less bright.

My world is getting darker and darker and darker……